Reflections on Mental Health (World's Mental Health Day 2020).
Until recently I have not realised that mental health and physical health are intrinsically connected and that taking care of our mental health is indispensable. Not only for ourselves, but for our environment, to protect our energy and the energy of our friends, families, lovers and co-workers or colleagues etc. I have just spent one year studying for a degree which was incredibly challenging, constraining and intense – emotionally and intellectually. Whereas at the beginning I detested the competition and the individual performances of my colleagues, I started to adapt to this mindset. Study more, work harder, get high grades. Succeeding makes you feel powerful, intelligent and important. It makes you feel someone. In the course of this year I have distanced myself from long-time friends, I have spread bad energy, bad vibes and have fought a lot with my partner. I started to hate people who enjoy nature and who know how to relax. I felt that I had to be extreme to handle all the stress, to stay focused and to keep up with the pressure. Once I submitted the dissertation and hence, graduated from this master, I felt incredibly low, tired and lost. Even though I received an overall distinction, I did not feel happy or content about it. I didn’t feel anything at all. I didn’t really celebrate it because I wasn’t proud of how much I forgot myself and my loved ones during this year. I have basically spent the whole year worrying about failing, and hence, wasting all the money my parents ‘invested’ in my education.
When we grow up, adults tell us that university and degrees are about aspiration when in fact they are about desperation (Laurie Penny). I did not enjoy the completion of my degree because I already had to plan my next move. Emblematic for our western, capitalist, neoliberal minds, I did not enjoy the present, but only thought about the future. Being unemployed and unproductive was not something I wanted to call myself. I was anxious and afraid of ending up with a bullshit job, a job which is, in fact, pointless and does not really need to be performed. The anxiety of living a life without purpose, a working life with a profound moral and spiritual damage (David Graeber). The frustration of selling yourself to a job-market although you don’t even want to enter this sphere since it indurates values that you don’t identify with.
The worst side effect of being lost and feeling dispensable and redundant, was to know that, in fact, I have nothing to complain about. Feeling low while being aware of the fact that I am super spoiled and privileged made it worse. I felt that my low energy has no right to exist. I didn’t see or care about anyone else’s struggles anymore, no other reality, no other perspective, no other feelings. I was completely alienated from my body and my soul, didn’t move my body, stopped doing sports, stopped painting, stopped dancing. I did not do anything that would make me feel better.
The conclusion of this reflection, to me, is that this feeling of mine – and I know I am not alone and that probably everyone who graduates feels similar – is not a personal, individual fault or failure, it is a fault of the capitalist system that tells us we are worth shit if we don’t produce; if we don’t have a plan, if we are unemployed, if we are – basically – useless and disposable. This should not happen. We should not feel like this.
Importantly, I am not even pertaining to a social group which is structurally and/or historically suffering from mental health issues. Many BIPOC are dealing with GENERATIONAL mental health trauma; the ones suffering most from mental health problems are those who are structurally disadvantaged: stigmatized people such as homeless people or sexworkers, LGBTQ+ or disabled individuals, refugees, migrants, the poor and the working class etc. The majority of the worlds’ population does not live single-issue or one-dimensional lives, rather they face intersecting oppressions, meaning that they have to deal with e.g. racism, generational trauma and homophobia and their mental health issues AT THE SAME TIME. Many people don’t have the opportunity or the time to take a break, to do something for their mental health, spend time in nature, do something creative or go to therapy.
This whole speech wasn’t meant to be that long, however, I want to express that every mental health issue is connected to the larger context and is not YOUR INDIVIDUAL FAULT. Some of us, like me (I don’t have any serious, diagnosed mental health issues!), do have the privilege to deal with our mental health issues and to heal. We do have the capacity, the time and the money to pay get help from professionals, and we do have the capacity to be connected rather than disconnected. Only with a mentally healthy mind can we support instead of destroying each-others. Ultimately, and as expressed by the activist @berfin.marx, to fight for social justice means to fight for mental health justice.
